Succubus 5 (Hardcore Dungeon Core): A LitRPG Series Read online

  Zoran looked around at me, his eyes two burning points of hatred. “When next we meet, Warlock – you will die.”

  He jumped at the nearest ivy-covered wall, kicked off it, kicked off the opposite wall, and basically parkoured his way up to the roof of the castle.

  I saw a second figure in a long, flapping cloak carrying a third, emaciated body into the night sky. Cirra had made off with Sketterex, apparently.

  The thudding boots were almost upon me.

  “Guys, get out of here!” I hissed at my demons.

  “But – ”

  “GO!”

  Soraiya looked annoyed, but she shot straight up into the night sky, her wings furiously beating the air.

  Fugly tailed along behind her.

  I had no idea what had happened to Stig.

  All I knew was that 50 guards suddenly appeared, swords and spears drawn.

  “Hey guys,” I said as cheerfully as I could.

  “Oh,” the captain of the guard said dourly. “It’s you.”

  16

  “…and then his assailants flew off into the sky,” the captain finished up. “Again.”

  We were all back in the throne room – except this time it was dark outside, and torches lit the room. Besides me and the soldiers, only the Duchess and Urik were present.

  The Duchess was barely listening to the captain of the guard. Instead, she stared at me dreamily and smiled like she wanted to lick me up and down like an ice cream cone.

  Likewise, Urik was looking pretty confident. He gave me a couple of broad smiles and winks, too.

  I just stood there uncomfortably, trying not to look at either of them.

  After the captain stopped speaking, there was a long, loooong pause.

  “Your Grace?” the captain finally asked.

  “Yes?” the Duchess smiled, never taking her eyes off me.

  “The intruders?” the captain urged.

  “Oh – yes, of course,” she said, coming out of her daydream. She fixed me with a mildly stern look, though it was obviously for show. “Who are these people who keep attacking you?”

  I didn’t think ‘bounty hunters’ would be received that well.

  “You know… people who want to get in the way of… what I do.”

  “Oh, yes,” she murmured, like I’d just said something terribly impressive.

  “Dreadful,” Urik agreed.

  Only the captain seemed immune to my bullshit. “Pardon me, m’lady, but don’t you find it odd that a Grand Inquisitor should be chased so relentlessly by parties unknown? And that he should arrive in the dukedom alone?”

  Aha.

  So that’s what I was: a Grand Inquisitor.

  Whatever the fuck that meant.

  “Slightly odd,” the Duchess agreed, then turned to me. “What say you, sir?”

  “…uh… well… we Grand Inquisitors make a lot of enemies, you know. And, uh… I like to work alone.” I shrugged. “That’s all.”

  “Well put,” she said, and that dreamy smile flowed over her features again.

  “Hear, hear,” Urik nodded.

  “What was he doing out in the middle of the night?” the captain asked belligerently.

  The Duchess turned to me like, Well?

  “I was out for a walk,” I said.

  The Duchess smiled at the captain of the guard. “There, you see? He was out for a walk.”

  “Quite salutary,” Urik agreed. “A brisk stroll in the night air is excellent for one’s health.”

  The captain just huffed indignantly, like he couldn’t believe how idiotic the two most powerful people in the room were acting.

  “You’ve done well, Captain, but you can leave now,” the Duchess said. Then she came out of her daydream and squinted down at Urik. “What are you doing here?”

  “I heard the commotion, so I thought I would see what was the matter,” the dwarf said. “As is the right of the Emissary of the Church.”

  The Duchess sighed and rolled her eyes, then addressed the captain. “Make sure the Emissary is shown back to his room.”

  “No need, I’ll be going now,” Urik said.

  As he walked past me, Urik gave an exaggerated wink like, You and I know what’s what.

  “And the Grand Inquisitor?” the captain asked.

  “Hm? Oh… leave us alone, if you will,” the Duchess said.

  “M’lady?”

  “I have things to ask him,” she said imperiously. “Now LEAVE.”

  The captain bowed. “Yes, m’lady…”

  He led the guards out of the throne room, grumbling under his breath the entire way.

  The Duchess stood up from her throne and walked seductively down the steps until she stood in front of me. She smiled and caressed my face with her hand.

  “You seem to have a great deal of trouble lately with certain parties,” she purred. “Perhaps it’s best if you come sleep in my chambers tonight.”

  - HELL YES! Alaria whooped in my head.

  Turns out there wasn’t a whole lot of sleeping, actually.

  17

  I woke the next morning to a loud knocking on the door.

  I lifted my head groggily and realized I wasn’t in my own room; I was still in the Duchess’s.

  As I struggled to remember what the hell had happened, Alaria supplied the big picture.

  - Well, THAT was quite a night.

  I sat up and felt the crystal necklace dangling against my chest.

  “Did we…?” I muttered as I wiped the sleep from my eyes.

  - OH yes.

  “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

  - Whatever you were about to say, we probably did it.

  I froze in terror and shifted my ass in the bed.

  “My butt doesn’t feel sore,” I said in relief.

  - Oh, that. No, I tried to get you to do it, but you wouldn’t let me. Let’s just say I’ve never been inside a woman before at the same time I was next to a cock bigger than my body.

  My eyes widened. “What cock bigger than your body?!”

  - YOURS, dummy.

  “…oh yeah. Wait – so you were inside the Duchess while I was, too?”

  - Mm-hmmmm. Right up against you.

  Huh. Double penetration with a crystal butt plug. Who woulda thunk it.

  I was adding all sorts of new sex acts to my score card.

  - And I’ve never heard you make THOSE particular sounds when you come, either.

  I smirked. “I’m just enjoying hearing you say I have a huge cock.”

  - No, I said a cock bigger than my body. Don’t get excited, darling, I’m only three inches long.

  “You’re ruining the moment,” I yawned.

  After a short pause, the knocking started up again. I got up out of bed and opened the door a crack so as not to expose my nakedness.

  A cute servant saw me and blushed. I don’t know what she was blushing at, unless it was the fact that she knew what I’d been up to last night.

  “Your presence in the throne room is requested by the Duchess,” the woman said. “Posthaste.”

  Then she curtsied and ran away.

  “Great,” I muttered as I shut the door and went over to find my clothes.

  - She’s being kind of bossy for somebody who had seven different objects up her ass last night, Alaria remarked.

  “SEVEN?!” I asked in disbelief.

  - Seven.

  “Not just you?”

  - Nope. Me and six other things.

  “Maybe she’s grumpy because her butt is sore.”

  When I showed up in the crowded throne room a few minutes later, the Duchess was arguing with Urik, who stood in his customary place at the foot of the dais.

  “NO,” she snarled, “the rest of the party besides the Grand Inquisitor shall be composed entirely of representatives I pick.”

  “M’lady,” the dwarf said, “might I remind you that the Church instigated this process, so we have final say over the members of t
he party.”

  As soon as I appeared, the Duchess gave me with a smug smile. “Grand Inquisitor, what say you?”

  “About… what, exactly?”

  “The representatives in your party.”

  “Um… what party?”

  Both the Duchess and Urik looked at me like I was daft.

  “The party you will take with you into the dungeon?” the Duchess said, like she was talking to the slowest kid in the class.

  “…oh… yeah… that party…”

  Urik fixed me with a meaningful stare. “I could give you many reasons why you should take the Church of Eternity’s representatives. Thousands of secular reasons, in fact, and four good religious ones.”

  Translation: thousands of gold pieces, and four hot nuns you fucked last night, buddy.

  Of course, the Duchess didn’t know that.

  “Religious reasons?” she snorted contemptuously. “There are no religious reasons for the Grand Inquisitor taking your men into the dungeon.”

  “Of course there are,” Urik said, and counted them off on his fingers. “Removal of wickedness. Cessation of impiety. Lessening of greed. Destruction of idolatry.”

  “I think you mean theft, covetousness, an increase of greed, and the immoral quest for power, all of which the Church is practicing by encroaching on my dungeon.”

  “Your dungeon! Why, only yesterday it was the people’s dungeon – but now the truth comes out!”

  “It is certainly not YOURS, Emissary.”

  “Yet, m’lady. Yet.”

  The Duchess and Urik both turned to me expectantly.

  “What say you, Grand Inquisitor?” the Duchess asked, her voice smooth as silk. “Will you take my representatives with you… or the dwarf’s?”

  Urik glared at her briefly, then turned back to me with a smile. “I am sure you will make the right decision, Grand Inquisitor.”

  Well, shit.

  If I pissed off the Duchess, my head might find itself disconnected from my neck.

  And if I pissed off Urik, I could kiss those 30,000 gold coins goodbye.

  I would resurrect if the Duchess killed me – but if her soldiers found me after I came back to life, I might find myself locked up for good.

  Which would stop me from doing what I’d come here to do in the first place: get Alaria’s soul back in her body.

  But if I didn’t get that money, getting dragged back to Varkus by bounty hunters wouldn’t help me, either.

  SHIT.

  I was awful at office politics. Having to deal with real politics sucked even worse.

  Game of Boners, indeed.

  “There’s five in a dungeon party, right?” I said. “Minus me, that’s four – so let’s do two from the Duchess, and two from the Church. Is that cool?”

  You would have thought I’d flung poo in both their faces.

  “You want to HALVE the number of my men going into the dungeon?” the Duchess exclaimed indignantly.

  “Only TWO representatives of the Church?!” Urik cried out, then stared at me pointedly. “We should have FOUR!”

  One for each nun I’d banged, apparently.

  I looked back and forth between Urik and the Duchess.

  This was going to be a shitshow either way – but I’d already committed myself. Not a good time to back out now, or I’d just look weak.

  “…no… two each,” I said.

  The Duchess and Urik started babbling at me angrily, talking over each other.

  “This is NOT an acceptable arrangement – ”

  “The CHURCH called you here in the first place – ”

  I was too tired to deal with this shit.

  “THE GRAND INQUISITOR HAS SPOKEN!” I yelled at the top of my voice.

  That shut them up.

  For a couple of seconds, they both looked like I’d doused them in ice water.

  Then Urik quickly spoke up. “I call the mage.”

  The Duchess looked furious. “You can’t ‘call’ someone! We shall use the COURT mage!”

  “No, and I want one of our priests to be the healer.”

  “NO, you’ll simply order him to let my men DIE!”

  “This isn’t – ”

  “I don’t – ”

  I turned around and started to walk away.

  “Where are YOU going?!” the Duchess yelled.

  I turned around, looked her in the eyes, and said, “I forgot something in the room where I slept last night. I’m going to go get it, if that’s alright with you.”

  She blushed bright red. I guess it was one thing to let her servants and soldiers hear her doing the nasty, but another entirely to reveal it to the entire court.

  Although by the way all the courtiers were snickering and whispering behind their hands, I was pretty sure it was common knowledge by now.

  “Fine,” the Duchess said icily. “We shall decide on our representatives by the time you return.”

  “Great,” I said, and hustled out of the throne room.

  I could feel both her and Urik staring daggers into my back the entire way.

  18

  I didn’t go back to the Duchess’s bedroom, though. I went back to mine – and quickly dropped out of the window into the courtyard.

  Fuck both of those assholes. I needed to get to the dungeon, and I didn’t want to deal with a bunch of bullshit while I did it.

  I scanned the sky for any sign of flying Air Mages.

  Didn’t see any.

  “Soraiya?” I called out, hoping she might be up on the roof of the castle or somewhere else close enough to hear me.

  Thank God she was. She swooped down from the roof and landed just a few feet away. She was carrying Stig by the scruff of his neck, and threw him onto the ground distastefully as soon as she landed.

  Fugly flapped down beside Soraiya, and a little blur of gold shot through the air next to him.

  “Are you alright, Mistress?” Wylla cried out.

  - I’m fine, Alaria said, then added in a mystified voice, Why are you still here?

  “I am bound to Mistress forever!” Wylla cried.

  - Wonderful…

  “We were up there waiting for you all night,” Soraiya said to me bitterly, “thinking you might try to escape and need our help – and yet all I heard was a bunch of – ”

  Stig helpfully fucked his ‘OK’ sign with his forefinger.

  fwap-fwap-fwap-fwap-fwap

  “Yes, that,” Soraiya grumbled.

  - Ignore her, Alaria advised. She’s just angry you didn’t invite her in for a threesome.

  “I had to do it to keep my cover,” I said to Soraiya.

  “And you could only do that under the covers, hm?” she sneered.

  Stig leaned forward and sniffed me. “You smell like underpants, boss.”

  Soraiya smiled grimly. “That’s what happens when you – ”

  She made the fwap-fwap-fwap motion with her own fingers.

  “ – all night long.”

  “Oh,” Stig said distastefully.

  “bleh,” Fugly grunted.

  “Did you make babies?” Wylla asked.

  “Enough about last night!” I barked, then turned to Soraiya. “Fly me out of here and towards the coliseum.”

  Soraiya tilted her head and crossed her arms like, You did NOT just say that.

  “Please,” I added.

  “Oh, NOW you want to leave.”

  “Look, the sooner you get me to the dungeon, the sooner we get Alaria back in her body, and the sooner you can leave us.”

  “Fine,” Soraiya muttered, then grabbed me under my armpits.

  “Wait a second – Stig, come here,” I said as I opened up one of my bags.

  With Stig’s disembodied head peeking out beside my belt, Soraiya flew me over the castle walls. It was a pretty majestic sight, with the ivy-covered courtyard surrounded by half a dozen stone towers.

  Unfortunately, a guard on one of those towers spotted us.

  “The Grand Inquisit
or has been kidnapped!” he yelled, and immediately put a horn to his lips and blatted out a series of honks.

  Probably some kind of code for Hey, let’s screw Ian over!

  “Crap,” I grumbled, then said to Soraiya, “drop me in the marketplace outside the coliseum.”

  She did as I asked. I pulled Stig out of my bag and then hustled into the first haberdashery I could find. A minute later I emerged in a sweeping red robe that covered my entire head with a crimson cowl.

  I thrust a blue robe at Soraiya and a tiny brown one at Stig. “Here, I bought these for you. Put them on.”

  “Why?” Soraiya asked.

  “Because they think you kidnapped me, and they’ll be looking for a plum-colored succubus. So put it on.”

  “Why can’t I just fly away?” she groused.

  “Because I need you in the dungeon. Come on!”

  “This is stupid,” she grumbled as she took the blue robes from me and pulled them over her head.

  Once it was on, she realized it wasn’t just a robe; it was a burqa, with only a slit for her eyes. Shops sold them in the game for Muslim women who wanted to cover up all the way.

  I didn’t know what a Muslim woman who wore a burqa in the real world would be doing playing a computer game, or why the fuck she’d want to wear one in OtherWorld, too – but at the moment I was damn thankful for the game designers’ overweening political correctness.

  “What in Goddess’ name is this?!” Soraiya grumbled as she peeked out of the slit in her headdress.

  “A burqa.”

  “What’s that?!”

  “Your disguise,” I said, though it definitely wasn’t perfect. Her horns poked up, making her head look way too long, and her folded batwings under the cloth made her look like a hunchback. But it was better than nothing.

  Stig looked like the smallest, ugliest medieval monk you’ve ever seen.

  “Why doesn’t he have to wear anything?” Stig complained as he pointed at Fugly.

  “Because he’d probably just eat it.”

  “yah,” Fugly agreed.

  “What about her?” Stig griped about Wylla.

  “They don’t make ‘em in her size. Now come on, we need to go find four players so we can get into the dungeon.”

  As we walked through the beer gardens towards the coliseum, a platoon of soldiers jogged into the marketplace.